Don't Speak
by don juan banana
Summary: Songfic to No Doubt's "Dont Speak". Ross and Rachel's season 3 break-up from Rachel's point of view and a few look backs at their past together.


You and me  
  
We used to be together  
  
Everyday together  
  
Always...  
  
I remember when we first met. I remember it clearly. Infact, we had grown up together. Monica was my best friend and you were just her "geeky older brother" to me. I never knew you felt differently about me until Chandler slipped. He told me you were in love with me and my whole world changed. I thought we were just friends but you thought of me as so much more. Never has anyone ever treated me the way you did.  
  
I really feel  
  
That I'm losing my best friend  
  
I can't believe this could be the end.  
  
Ross. Ross Geller. One of my best friends for a year until I found out. Then there was Julie. Then there was the list. Can we even forget the prom video? And then me and you became more than friends and it was something I could never forget. But then you frustrated me and for a moment I doubted our relationship.  
  
"Look, maybe we should just take a break!"  
  
My regretful words. How I wish I could go back in time and erase what I had said. I remember the look on your face before you stormed out of the apartment. Out of my life. But I never gave up. I wouldn't lose you because if I lost you, I lost everything. You were my boyfriend and best friend. I spent the entire night trying to call you and take back what I had said earlier.  
  
It looks as though  
  
You're letting go  
  
And if it's real  
  
Well I don't want to know...  
  
And then came the morning. I left a message on your machine and came over in the morning. We were back together easily, without conflict. I was so happy the entire day. I knew things would finally be okay again.  
  
And then Gunther told me.  
  
Don't speak  
  
I know just what you're saying  
  
So please stop explaining  
  
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts  
  
Don't speak  
  
I know what you're thinking  
  
I dont need your reasons  
  
Don't tell me cause it hurts  
  
"You know what!? I want you to leave! Get out of here!" I screamed as I held the door open for you to make an exit.  
  
"No! I wanna stay! I wanna talk about this!"  
  
What was there to say about it? You had cheated on me with another woman and you wanted to stay and talk about it? How were you going to explain yourself? How could you talk your way out of this one? I wouldn't budge. I stood firm and strong, but inside my emotions crumbled. I could barely look at you.  
  
My heart was breaking but I held up the angry, brave woman front so you couldn't see how much I was dying inside. I was angry of course, but the sadness was overbearing. Instead of showing it, I continued with my act.  
  
I slammed the door shut and looked at you with narrow eyes. "Okay! Alright! How was she?"  
  
Our memories  
  
Well, they can be inviting..  
  
I couldn't help but rewind my mind to our past as I angrily yelled at you. When I beat you with the newspaper, all I could think about was how sweet you were. You always were there for me and you treated me like no other man ever has treated me. It made me sick to think that you could ever hurt me like this.  
  
I remember when you first kissed me in the doorway of Central Perk. I remember when we spent our first night together at the muesuem. I remember how you used to hold me and kiss me. Even when I laughed during our kisses because your hands were on my butt, you never really got upset with me. I remember when we played football on Thanksgiving. You picked me last, but I won the game anyway. Well, almost.  
  
I remember our talks. I remember you holding me, loving me. You even almost drank the fat for me.  
  
But some are altogether   
  
Mighty frightening..  
  
I pushed the good memories out of my mind as I beat you with the newspaper for a second time.  
  
I remember when you made that list about me. The pros and cons about me and Julie. I would never forget that list as I read off each negative comment made about me.  
  
"Imagine the worst things you think about yourself," I told you after reading the list you created. "Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you."  
  
"You know what?" You answered. "You know what? If things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you."  
  
"Well, then I guess that's the difference between us." I replied coldly. "See, I'd never make a list."  
  
As we die  
  
Both you and I  
  
With my head in my hands  
  
I sit and cry  
  
I sat on the couch with my arms crossed over my chest, staring off into space. I wouldn't look at you. I didn't want to listen to anymore that you had to say. But you insisted on trying to explain yourself again. I tried to take in the words and block out the pain for a moment. I had to hear what you needed to say. I couldn't give up this easily...could I?  
  
Then your words pointed the blame in my direction. After all you had done, you blamed me for this because I had simply wanted a break. And after I said those words, I spent the entire night trying to call you, trying to take them back while you went off with some girl from the Xerox place. And then you blamed me for running away the minute things got a little rough. A little rough? We had the same argument multiple times and when the words sputtered out of my mouth, I instantly came to regret them. But it was too late. You had left.  
  
I had no answer for you.  
  
"Okay well, here we are again. Now we're in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you want to fight for us or do you wanna bail?" You sat down next to me, your eyes brimming with tears. "Look, I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing, okay? And I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back but I can't. I just can't see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much."  
  
Don't speak  
  
I know just what you're saying  
  
So please stop explaining  
  
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts  
  
No, no, no..  
  
Don't speak  
  
I know what you're thinking  
  
And I don't need your reasons  
  
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts  
  
You started to kiss me softly. First my shoulder, then my neck, then my cheek, and right before you kissed my lips I stood up.  
  
You couldn't sit there and tell me you love me and then kiss me. You couldn't. It didn't make it go away and it didn't make the situation any better. You weren't forgiven or off the hook. Infact, it was much worse than that. I couldn't sit there and listen to you babble on about how you made a mistake, how you were sorry, and how you loved me. I knew each word that sputtered out of your mouth before it even touched the air. I predicted each thing you would say. I didn't want to hear it because it hurt too much to know. I wish I could be naive and pretend this didn't happen. I wish it could all go away.  
  
Your words, your apologies, your love, your kisses -- they wouldn't get you what you had lost. Because I'm not that easy. My mind screamed at me as I stood up, looking at you. It argued your points and it argued my own. I was in a mess of confusion.  
  
But this was my moment and I had to decide.  
  
It's all ending  
  
I got to stop pretending  
  
Who we are  
  
"I think you should go." I said softly, breaking the silence between us.   
  
You stood up and instantly protested. Hell, you were down on your knees in front of me with your arms wrapped around my waist, crying. You couldn't lose me but you already did. I was already gone.  
  
I couldn't imagine you, Ross Geller, as a person who would hurt me. Ever. You were so kind to me, so gentle, so caring and so loving. But now it was if you ripped my heart out with your bare hand and was trying to stitch it back together for the sake of us. There was no more "us". You hurt me too much. You deceived every good thought I had ever had of you. You hurt me.  
  
Images flashed through my mind. You and the Xerox girl. You and the Xerox girl. I couldn't stop picturing it. No matter what you said or did for me, it would always be there in the back of my mind, haunting me. Those lips you kissed me with? You kissed her with them. These arms wrapped around me? You had them wrapped around her, too.  
  
Tears streamed down my cheeks.  
  
You and me  
  
I can see us dying  
  
Aren't we?  
  
"It doesn't matter what you say or what you do, Ross. It's changed everything. Forever."  
  
"Yeah, but this can't be it, I mean."  
  
"Then how come it is?"  
  
Don't speak  
  
I know just what you're saying  
  
So please stop explaining  
  
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts  
  
No, no..  
  
Don't speak  
  
I know what you're thinking  
  
I don't need your reasons  
  
Don't tell me cause it hurts  
  
Don't tell me cause it hurts  
  
I know what you're saying  
  
So please stop explaining  
  
Don't speak, don't speak, don't speak  
  
Oh...  
  
I know what you're thinking  
  
And I don't need your reasons  
  
I know you're good, I know you're good  
  
I know you're real good, oh..  
  
La la la la la la,  
  
La la la la la la.  
  
Don't. Don't.  
  
Uh-huh.  
  
Hush, hush, darling  
  
Hush, hush, don't tell me 'cause it hurts.  
  
Hush, hush, darling  
  
Hush, hush, darling  
  
Hush, hush, don't tell me 'cause it hurts . . .  
  
I cried myself to sleep that night. My words stayed true.  
  
Everything had changed. Forever. 


End file.
